


Numinous

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Mass Effect 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-25 22:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3828034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan hadn't really read a handbook on how to be the best damn soldier in the Alliance, but he was pretty sure falling for your CO was at the top of the "Do Not" list. Rule number one: broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elfgirl931](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfgirl931/gifts).



1\. Butterflies

When Kaidan was younger, especially after BAaT, his mother had sat him down to talk about how she believed people fell in love. He knew it was because he had been subconsciously moping and mourning the loss of his first “love”, but fifteen years later, it stuck with him.

His mom had told him that the first stage was the sensation of butterflies in your stomach, where seeing the person sent chills and maybe a cold sweat all over your body, and the thought of doing the simplest things with them drove you insane, like giving them an article of clothing when they were cold, or pushing a stray hair out of their face. But she’d asserted that this stage wasn’t real love. She’d felt it the first time she met his father, thinking she’d never seen someone so handsome and sweet before, but knew she had to find out who he really was first. She’d advised Kaidan to always do the same.

She also told him he needed to find someone who could place their trust in what a gentle soul he was, despite what his powers let him do.

Numinous. Describing an experience that makes you fearful, yet fascinated, or awed, but attracted. That was the first word that popped into Kaidan’s head when he met Commander Shepard. Their first meeting left much to be desired, and plenty of awkwardness for Kaidan to try and pretend never happened.

He’d been standing in the mess hall, having his third cup of coffee for the morning, reading through headlines that popped up on his datapad, when he heard voices coming from the stairwell on the Normandy. One was Captain Anderson, and the other was a woman he didn’t know.

As the two rounded the corner, the woman that was with Anderson had to have been Commander Shepard. She was somewhat of a legend in the Alliance. After Akuze, her name was sprawled across every news headline, and it left Kaidan wondering how she did it. She had to have been some kind of super hero, something invincible and to be feared and respected.

And when he saw her name on his mission brief, that she’d be his CO, a certain aura of terror came over him. Sure, he was a good soldier. You didn’t become an officer without being pretty damn good at what you do, but not anyone just served with Commander Shepard. And to see a personal commendation and selection by Captain Anderson, really made him question if he was better than he thought.

“Ah, Lieutenant Alenko,” Anderson said, moving toward him. The Commander followed, hands behind her back and eyes ready to examine anything that happened to be in front of her. Right now, that was Kaidan.

“Shepard, this is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. I picked him personally for this mission. I know he’ll be an asset to the team. A really powerful biotic as well.”

Her bright green eyes on him caused his cheeks to flush red and to awkwardly place his coffee mug on the table in front of him to salute his new Commander. However, he whipped one hand around too quickly and knocked the cup over. It only spilled slightly, but the noise of the cup clattering and clanging along the countertop seemed to rattle the whole ship.

Dammit, he thought.

Once he secured the mug on the counter, he completed his salute. “Honor to meet you, Commander.”

Commander Shepard gave a curt nod, and a subtle smile. “And you too, Lieutenant. Captain Anderson tells me good things about you. Looking forward to seeing for myself.”

“Thank you. I mean. It’s not a compliment yet. I don’t think. I’ll do my good – oh, God um. I’ll do my best.”

The Commander smiled again, but she didn’t look like she was going to rip him a new one or make fun of him incessantly for it. In fact, she looked a little endeared by it, but it could have also just been the fact that Kaidan was falling victim to some wishful thinking. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, with her wavy red hair and freckled nose and cheeks, and the way her body fit so well into the N7 armor. She was thin, but curvy and built, muscles clearly defined in her arms and stomach especially.

Hottest girl he’d ever seen, and he knew she could kick her ass. Maybe that added to it.

“Shepard, I should show you the shuttle bay before I have to go,” Anderson said, looking at the watch on his wrist.

“Sounds good to me, Captain,” she said. She turned back to Kaidan and nodded. “Good to meet you, Lieutenant. Fast reflexes too with that coffee.”

Kaidan blushed. “Thank you, Commander. I’ll let you get back to your tour of the ship.”

“Yeah, see you around,” she said.  
Kaidan knew this mission was not going to be like any others. And he was beginning to think he was okay with that.

***

It wasn’t uncommon for Kaidan to wake up at the crack of dawn and sit in the mess hall of whatever ship he called home for a tour until the others woke up. He was early to bed, early to rise, and in fact, quite liked the quiet time that it offered him. It was a time of day where no one was expecting much from him.

Kaidan heard the door of the Captain’s Cabin pop open, and slow trudging coming from that direction. The Commander rounded the corner and leaned against the counter in the mess hall, groaning. She rubbed her eyes and zeroed in on Kaidan, probably trying to figure out which one he was.

“It’s early as hell; what are you doing up?” she grumbled.

“Early riser, ma’am. Can I get you anything?”

She lowered herself into one of the barstools and pointed at the coffee pot, mumbling something Kaidan just had to assume was “coffee”. He reached behind him and grabbed a cup from one of the cabinets, placing it in front of her. As he poured the coffee into the cup, she hummed in happiness, curling her fingers around it.

“Thanks.”

“Anything in that?”

She shook her head. “Nah. Once you start putting milk and sugar in ship coffee, it reminds you how much it tastes like plastic.”

Kaidan felt a smile twitch at his lips. “It’s why you have to buy fresh ground coffee wherever you can and stash it on the ship. Military issued coffee leaves a lot to be desired. I’ll keep an eye out.”

“Good. It can be our secret. Secret coffee,” she babbled.

“Yes, secret coffee, Commander.”

She waved a hand in the air and shook her head. “No, when we’re not on duty, Shepard is just fine. Even I need a break from it.”

“Okay, Shepard,” he said, the name rolling off his tongue. It felt strange to get informal with a CO so quickly, but she had insisted. For the moments where she was just another woman – another human – whose bright red hair stuck up in tons of different directions and whose green eyes still hardly opened, she could be Shepard.

“You’re a charmer,” she said, resting her head against her arms, slouching on the giant sleeves of her Alliance sweatshirt.

“I just try to play nice, ma’am.”

“Keep it up, Lieutenant.”

***  
The Commander crossed in front of Kaidan and Ashley – the sole survivor of the 212, who had joined forces with them on Eden Prime – and radioed the Normandy for pickup. Kaidan had learned quickly that Ashley was drastically different from him. Where he was soft, she was hard, where she was brave, he was scared. Numinous. There seemed to be a lot of that kind of thing going around on this ship.

“This is amazing! Actual working Prothean technology,” Kaidan said, stepping closer to the beacon. His COs and several biotic specialists had told him that he would have made a great Adept, completely using his biotics, but Kaidan refused. His strange love of tech and finding out how things worked swayed him toward Sentinel training. “Unbelievable.”

Ashley glanced over at him and laughed under her breath. He thought he heard her mutter “Nerd” at him, but he didn’t want to go around pointing fingers. Especially since he quite liked Ashley. He didn’t know what the rest of the mission was going to entail now, now that it had become far more complicated than they initially anticipated, but he was glad to have another human on the team. Someone who wasn’t his commander, someone he could maybe even call a friend.

“It wasn’t doing anything like that when they dug it up,” Ashley said.

Shepard continued to glance into the sky to track where the Normandy would come from. Kaidan stepped closer, slowly.

“Something must have activated it.”

The beacon pulsed a soft green light, and the air around it seemed to tighten and compress as it pulsed. Kaidan narrowed his eyes and leaned in. And before he could stop it, he was sliding forward. Every ounce of power in him pulled to keep him away from the beacon.

_Do not mess up the beacon. The beacon’s safe return is the priority. Kaidan, do not hurl your body at this thing. DO NOT._

But his efforts were futile. He continued to pull himself away, but nothing made a difference until he felt hands on his waist, quickly seizing him back. Whoever had grabbed him, threw him back onto the ground. He winced in pain and climbed to his knees, to find Shepard hovering before the beacon, her body convulsing violently.

“Shepard!” he cried.

Ashley was suddenly at his side, her arms around him and completely restraining him. “No! Don’t touch her. It’s too dangerous.”

Kaidan looked away, trying to reel from the pain rushing through his head. Ashley shifted her arms around his head and turned him away as a violent explosion ripped through the air where the beacon had been just moments ago.

Shepard hit the ground, thankfully still wearing her helmet, and didn’t move. Kaidan rushed to her side first, unstrapping the bottom of her helmet. He carefully pulled it off her head, knowing that it would make it hard for her to breathe otherwise. Shepard was unconscious, her body weak and unresponsive. He pressed two fingers to the side of her neck and waited for a pulse to come. It took a few seconds, but her heart rate was somewhat normal, a little rattled, but fine. A thin trail of blood dripped down the side of her head and matted her red hair against her temple.

Kaidan reached into one of the packs on the back of his armor and pressed a bandage to her head. It slowly absorbed the blood, and Kaidan looked to Ashley to hold the bandage in place as he called the Normandy.

“Joker, it’s Alenko. We had an incident. The beacon is a no-go. Shepard’s down. Hurry up.”

Joker paused a moment. “Aye, aye, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan looked up as the Normandy rounded the landing zone at the other end of the platform, and then back at Shepard.

“Alright, Williams, lead the way,” he said.

Kaidan slid a hand behind Shepard’s head, and his other around her legs, sliding her into his arms. God, she was light. She was a smaller woman, probably almost a foot shorter than he was, and thin, but racked with muscles from head to toe. But she fit into his arms so easily, and she was easy to carry. He was beginning to wonder if that was because of something other than her size.

“Don’t worry, Shepard. We’re going to take care of you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**2\. Respect**

 

“Skipper, I haven’t seen anything move in a really long time,” Ashley groaned, propping her feet up against the dashboard of the Mako.

 

The M-35 Mako left Kaidan with more questions than answers. He couldn’t figure out if the rover itself was actually the worst engineering feat the galaxy had ever seen, or if Shepard was just the worst driver the galaxy had ever seen.

 

Shepard let out a sigh. “I know. I know, but if we don’t want to seem like lazy assholes, we have to just stay a little longer to make sure that there really aren’t Geth at this site.”

 

“Commander, if there were,” Kaidan began, “we would have found them by now. They would have picked up on us the second we landed.”

 

Shepard looked over at him and narrowed her eyes, as if to say “you’re telling me, Lieutenant”. But he liked the way that she looked at him. It was the first time since he enlisted nearly ten years ago that he’d been able to call his CO a friend, and it was because the Normandy didn’t feel like a ship. It felt like home, and their little band of misfits felt like family.

 

Shepard opened her mouth to say something, but before words could emerge, the Mako shook violently. Ashley shouted several colorful expletives, Shepard flew forward, securing herself against the steering wheel. Kaidan rolled off the back seat of the rover.

 

“What the hell was that?” Ashley groaned.

 

Shepard looked out one of the windows, and her eyes widened suddenly. “Get down!”

 

Kaidan didn’t register much other than the Mako rolling down the embankment they’d parked on, the rocks from the surface plunging their way through the windows, and the emergency sensors beeping out of control.

 

And then it stopped. The Mako remained stationary, except they were tipped on their side. The rover was durable enough for the framework to not cave in as the car collided down the side of the mountain. Kaidan sat up, ignoring the gashes on his arm from hitting the remains of the window, and looked to Shepard and Ashley.

 

“You guys okay?” he asked, wincing in pain.

 

Shepard nodded. “I’m good. Williams?”

 

Ash raised a thumbs up. “Dandy, Commander.”

 

“Come on,” Kaidan said, reaching for Shepard. Ash followed behind her as the crawled through the emergency hatch on the Mako. He stumbled out onto the dusty ground beneath them and let Shepard ease herself into his arms. Her nose was dripping blood and he could see that she was slightly wobbly on her feet.

 

Off in the distance, they heard clicking, similar to the noises that the geth made when they spotted a target. Kaidan reached into the armory of the Mako and passed the Commander her shotgun. Shepard wiped the trail of blood from her nose and narrowed her eyes.

 

“Where’s the thing that screwed up my car?”

 

“There she goes,” Ash groaned, climbing to her feet. “Getting angry when people mess with the shitty truck.”

 

“Zip it, Williams.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

The clicking drew closer, and neither of them had time to look before they saw a geth colossus approaching in the distance. Distance – with this instance – wasn’t even a good thing. The bastards could shoot their lasers and balls of biotic energy from long distances, taking out all three of them with a single blow.

 

The colossus charged a giant ball of energy at the core, and shook slightly, before unleashing the blow at Shepard and Ashley. Ash dove out of the way, but Shepard – still weak from the crash – couldn’t dodge the hit in time, and Kaidan couldn’t get to her in time either.

 

The beam hit her, throwing her back, completely out of cover. She winced in pain and reached a hand to her head, which had started bleeding badly from her temple. She tried to get to her feet again, but stumbled.

 

Kaidan dove to her, throwing himself in front of her before another hit could come.

 

“Shepard, you and Williams take care of this thing. I’ll hold up a barrier and give you cover.”

 

“Alenko, that’s ridiculous.”

 

“My biotics are strong enough, ma’am. Don’t worry about me. You guys take care of that bastard, and I’ll make sure you’re both safe, okay?”

 

Shepard hesitated, and nodded. “Fine. Williams?”

 

Ash loaded her assault rifle and nodded, stepping closer to Shepard and Kaidan. He put up a barrier that was large enough to cover him and the girls, and looked over his shoulder at the monster in front of them.

 

“Go!” he shouted.

 

Shepard pulled her sniper rifle from her back and zeroed in on the weak points on the colossus. She fired one bullet, immediately reloading and firing another. The colossus threw another ball of energy, causing Kaidan’s barrier to falter. Shepard glanced up at him.

 

“You okay?”

 

He nodded. “I’m fine.”

 

A small rainstorm of bullets came from the opposite direction, and Kaidan shut his eyes, strengthening the barrier as much as he could. He felt a fire erupt in the back of his head, a searing feeling that told him he needed to stop, needed to rest and not push himself any further.

 

“How’s it doing?” he asked, voice strained. He could taste blood from his nose drip into his mouth, but tried to ignore it.

 

“Almost there, Alenko. Stay strong,” Shepard shouted, firing another bullet into the beast.

 

The searing pain in the back of his head threatened to put him down before they could stop the colossus.

 

 _Stop it right now, or you’re going to pay_ , he thought. But putting Shepard and Ashley at risk was something he wasn’t able to do.

 

“It’s weak!” Ash shouted.

 

Kaidan turned around, throwing the remains of his barrier at the colossus. He blacked out before he got the chance to see the thing short circuit and shut down. When he opened his eyes again, Shepard had a hand behind his head and kept shaking him to get him off his ass.

 

“Kaidan, you alright?”

 

He nodded as much as he could, which wasn’t very much. His head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds and his vision was horribly blurry. He let out a soft cry of pain as he tried and failed to get to his feet.

 

He fell back into Ashley’s arms, reaching for something to hold onto in order to control the pain.

 

“LT, that was bad ass,” Ash whispered.

 

“The Normandy is en route for pickup,” Shepard said, holding him tighter. “Just relax. It’s going to be okay.”

 

***

 

Back on the Normandy, Shepard kept a tight arm around Kaidan’s back, and quickly helped him into her quarters. He’d never seen Shepard’s cabin before, and he was hardly seeing it now. Small glowing lights appeared in his vision and forced his eyes closed.

 

Shepard carefully rested him on her bed, which sent an entirely new sensation through his body. It was her bed, and she was basically bullying him into resting on it. I mean, she had good intentions, but she grumbled “don’t move” as his head rested down on the pillow.

 

He felt Shepard tug at the clasps on the shoulders of his armor, a faint snap coming through the room, and a sense of lightness as she pulled the armor off of his chest. The chill of the air made him shiver, and grab at the sheets below him to control the nausea, or at least attempt to.

 

Shepard climbed onto the side of the bed with him and drew a hand to his cheek. “Stay with me, okay? I’ll help.”

 

“You don’t have to,” he slurred.

 

“Doctor Chakwas told me you get migraines, triggered by  the biotics sometimes. What you did back there -,” she started.

 

“If I hadn’t, we’d all be screwed.”

 

She traced a hand along his jawline. “Yeah, I know. You saved our lives.”

 

“All part of the job, ma’am.”

 

“So let me take care of you.”

 

He felt Shepard place a damp towel below his nose to stop the bleeding. The touch made him whimper in pain and fidget against her. A new wave of nausea took him over, and he thought this was going to be that horrible moment that he threw up all over his commander. Excellent.

 

“Shh,” she whispered. “It’s okay. I know it hurts. But I’m just going to get you cleaned up. You’re bleeding kind of badly. I think you hit your head when you passed out. Gave both Williams and I quite a scare.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No, no, no. Don’t be sorry. We’re just glad you’re okay.”

 

“How do you know what you’re doing?” he asked, curling his arm around what he thought was her body. Maybe it was too soon to touch her like this, to want her this close to him, but she didn’t fight, and instead, she let him move closer.

 

“I got horrible headaches after Akuze. I took a horrible blow to the head, and it was almost constant pain. I learned how to fight them off. You’re in good hands.”

 

He faintly smiled. “I trust you.”

 

He felt her hands move to the back of his head, slowly kneading the spaces around his implant, easing the knots and tension in his neck. He let out a content sigh and gripped at the fabric of Shepard’s shirt tighter.

 

“You’re not upset that one of your crew members can’t push himself too far without self-destructing?”

 

“No,” she said, “because I should know more than anyone that everyone has a weakness, and no matter how strong you are, you’re capable of hurting. I’ll respect you more for letting me see this side of you.”

 

“I’m not proud of it.”

 

“You should be. Because you knew that doing that would push you to this limit, and you did it anyway. It makes you brave, strong. You did it to protect us.”

 

He nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Any time, Commander.”

 

“Will getting rest help?” she asked.

 

“Maybe,” he groaned.

 

She reached down to the foot of the bed and pulled a blanket over him, letting him wrap it all the way around his body and curling up against her lap. They’d only known one another for a few weeks, only had a number of interactions outside of battle, but falling asleep against her, with her gently massaging his head, felt like the closest thing to peace he had felt in years.

 

“Thanks, Commander.”

 

“Get some sleep, Lieutenant.”


	3. Chapter 3

**3\. Trust**

Ashley slid a beer across the table to Joker, and then one to Kaidan. She’d popped the tops and sat down herself. Kaidan eyed the beer warily.

 

“Why are we drinking? It’s the afternoon,” he asked.

 

“Because,” Ashley barked. Kaidan leaned back in his chair.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“You going to tell us what’s going on with the Commander?” Joker inquired.

 

Kaidan’s face turned bright red, and he almost tipped his beer bottle over. He caught it, frantically, his biotics beginning to glow at his fingertips. How the hell had they known? How did they know about the little flirtations between he and Shepard? They kept that private, and he especially didn’t tell anyone how she’d held him while migraines ripped through his head. That was going to be a huge “DO NOT” in the Alliance rule book.

 

“First of all, I am not doing anything with Shepard. She and I are crew members. She comes to me for tactical advice.”

 

Ash choked on the beer she was drinking. “What kind of tactical advice would that be, LT? You gawking over her, and her super obviously checking out your ass?”

 

Kaidan stiffened in his chair and frowned, just a little bit. The thought of her looking at him as anything other than another soldier, as someone she could be interested in. God, the thought hadn’t really crossed his mind, but it definitely made him excited, or at least hopeful that he wasn’t being stupid.

 

“She’s not checking out my ass. She’s my commander.”

 

Joker threw back his beer, accidentally hitting himself in the face with the bottle and spilling on himself a little. “Dammit. But you just happened to get lucky to find the one commanding officer who was going to flirt with you back.”

 

“We do not flirt,” Kaidan asserted, harder this time.

 

“We’ll talk later, Kaidan,” Joker said, his voice cracking to sound like Shepard’s.

 

“I’d like that,” Ashley grumbled, trying her best Kaidan imitation.

 

“That was low. Honestly, come on. She and I have nothing going on.”

 

“Okay, well, since we’re docked at the Citadel, I have an idea,” Ashley said.

 

Kaidan sat up in his chair and tensed up. He didn’t like the sounds of this. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about Ash helping him. Of course, the two of them had stayed up late at night talking, and they’d swapped dreadful romance stories. He told her about the few guys and girls he’d dated in his time, and she talked about all the guys who were either too clingy or eventually just became straight up terrified of her. I mean, he kind of understood why. He wouldn’t double cross Ashley Madeline Williams in a million years. Reapers and Thorians might have been less terrifying than an amped up Ash.

“Ashley, what the hell are you planning?” Kaidan asked.

 

She reached forward, patting his head and messing up his hair. “Oh, LT, don’t you worry. This is going to be the best idea ever.”

 

***

“Ashley, this has to be the _worst_ idea you have ever come up with,” Kaidan hissed.

 

The inside of the dingy club glowed blue and pink, and then flashed green and yellow. It was some complete dive in the Wards, but Ash assured both of them that it was perfect. It smelled like sweat, beer, and poor life choices. Kaidan was wondering how many of those poor life choices he’d add onto the walls of this place. Ashley had already forced him to have two beers, one with a shot of whiskey.

 

“Are they coming?” he asked.

 

“Joker said he was pulling Shepard out of her cabin a few minutes ago. They’ll be here. Don’t worry.”

 

Ashley looked over at him, analyzing his outfit and how nice he looked. He’d put on a pair of black pants, outside of his uniform, with a grey button down t-shirt that fit him a little too tightly. But Ashley was positive it was perfect. When they’d dropped by the clothing store before heading to the bar, she told him he needed to “show off the pecs and biceps a little more”. Honestly, the comment made him way more terrified, and he kind of wanted to build a cocoon around himself and just not come out. Never. Ever.

 

“Ash, I don’t know if I can do this. I… I don’t date people. Not well, at least. I mean. I suck at this. I’m not a whole lot, so why would she want me? She’s Shepard. She can have any man or woman in the galaxy. There’s no way that I’m at the top of the list.”

 

Ashley placed a hand on his shoulder and sighed. “Kaidan, you are being an idiot. You’re overreacting, and I need you to not talk down on yourself like that because it’s ridiculous.”

 

“But-.”

 

“No buts!” she cried. “You’re fantastic. You’re one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and absolutely boyfriend material.”

 

“But what if she thinks I’m just damaged goods, someone with too messed up of a backstory? Someone to be scared of?”

 

“She’d never be scared of you, Kaidan. You’re human. You wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

 

He turned away for a moment. “Ash, the last time I thought I was in love with someone, I was seventeen. Everything else since then has been – well – it’s been less than ideal. I just haven’t cared _that_ much. And that ended horribly.”

 

“Rahna spurning you was not an incident of how the rest of your relationships are going to go. You’ve grown up since then. And Shepard isn’t really scared of anything. You don’t scare her. Except, I don’t know…” her voice trailed off. “If she likes you as much as I think she does, well, maybe there might be a little bit of apprehension.”

 

Kaidan’s eyes drew to the door, where Joker stepped in with Shepard following close behind. She was wearing a gorgeous, but so simple green dress, and it brought out her eyes. He could tell from even across the room. God. He’d never seen someone so beautiful, and he didn’t think it was possible to think that every time he saw her.

 

They crossed the room and met them at the bar. Joker glanced at Ashley, exchanging colorful eye contact that made Kaidan especially nervous. Shepard stepped closer to him, placing a hand along his waist. She leaned forward and placed a kiss against his cheek, and every hair on his body stood up. He knew she meant it like colleagues saying hello at a nice dinner. But he wanted to believe it was something more.

 

“You look nice,” she said, over the hum of terrible rock music.

 

“Thanks. You look beautiful too.”

 

He thought he saw the faintest signs of her blushing, but didn’t give much thought to it. Someone like him could never make a woman like her blush.

 

“So, can I get you a drink?” he asked.

 

She smiled and nodded. “Yeah. What are you having?”

 

“Canadian lager with a shot of whiskey.”

 

She bit down on her lip. “Canadian, Lieutenant?”

 

“Yes, ma’am. Brings back some good memories, you know. Reminds me of home.”

 

“You miss it?” she asked, leaning against the bar. She stood with one leg brushed up against his and he could hardly think of anything other than that contact right there.

 

He nodded. “Yeah, sure. I miss my mom and dad. I miss the view, that’s for sure. But, I know we’re doing good out here, and I know we’re doing _important_ work. That’s what matters. Mama and Papa Alenko are going to be there when I come home for shore leave.”

 

She slid a hand to his side and smiled. “Yeah they will. But now we’re getting sidetracked, Kaidan. I’ll have just a gin and tonic.”

 

Kaidan leaned over the bar and ordered from the Salarian bartender, who nodded and poured Shepard’s drink for her. She moved closer to him, and glanced at Ash and Joker in the corner of the room.

 

“They left us.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And it looks like we’ve been set up.”

 

He watched the way she bent against the bar, one elbow on the scraped up wood surface, back arched and her hair falling in front of her face. How did someone look so gorgeous just leaning against a bar and twirling her drink? It was so simple, but everything she did, she did with confidence. It was something he envied so deeply.  He was confident in most things, except being able to put himself out there.

 

The biggest concern had always been the migraines and biotics. People quickly figured it out and blacklisted him as having too much baggage. Too many headaches to take care of, too much risk of him losing control and hurting them.

 

She grabbed the fabric of his shirt and pulled him closer to her.

 

“It’s loud in here. Move closer so I can hear you.”

 

_Loud. Right._

 

They’d talked about it, sure. The last time they really talked, she gave him a nice “maybe after the mission” conversation that hinted that once they finished the mission, there could be a chance for them. It would be something they could have together, but now, he was wondering if she was thinking, “screw the mission”.

 

“Did you know we were being set up?” he asked.

 

She shrugged. “I had my suspicions. Joker is the least smooth guy in the entire galaxy. He said “we’re going out to a bar tonight. You know, Ash, Kaidan, and I. You should dress nice” and I assumed it was some kind of scheme.”

 

“And you’re not mad?”

 

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No. I’m not _mad_. Why would I be? I – well – I like seeing you off duty. It’s charming. You let loose a little bit. I don’t get many chances to know my crew as people. They’re just soldiers.”

 

“And me, ma’am?”

 

“See, that’s what’s interesting about you. Who you are shows through no matter what. Behind the armor and shields, and regs, I kind of figure out who you are. It’s somewhat easy to see. But… I want to see you with your guard down. I want to see _you._ Give me that tonight.”

 

He nodded. “I think I can, ma’am.”

 

She blushed. “Ma’am. Honestly, I should reprimand you for the formalities, but it’s really damn cute when you do that.”

 

He finished his drink and ordered another for himself, and one for Shepard as well. She smiled at him and moved her hand to the small of his back.

 

“Well,” he began, “if we’re going to be completely informal tonight, let’s start fresh… Ma’am, you look absolutely stunning in that dress, and I would love to buy you a drink, if you wouldn’t mind.”

 

The bartender passed another gin and tonic, and another beer to Kaidan. Kaidan slid the drink across the bar to Shepard, and she took it.

 

“Huh. Gin and tonic. It’s like you read my mind.”

 

“Good guess, I suppose.”

 

Kaidan glanced across the bar to Joker and Ashley who were already shouting at one another about something, it sounded like something ship related, but Ashley glanced over for a moment, and made an aggressive thumbs up motion at him.

 

Drawing his eyes back to Shepard, he paused a moment. The music changed to something slightly more romantic. Granted, the gentle lyrics were coated with a gruff rock voice and aggressive drumbeats, but it was good enough. A good enough cue for Kaidan to finally make a move.

 

“Would you have this dance with me?” he asked, curtly and extending a hand.

 

Shepard glared. “Kaidan, I don’t think you’ve ever seen me dance.”

 

“I haven’t,” he blushed, “but you haven’t seen me dance either. I promise you, Shepard. I’m not going to judge. Just… c’mere.”

 

She took his hand, and let him pull her to a darker corner of the room where they’d have as much more privacy, and Ash and Joker’s wandering eyes could only see enough to leave the rest to their imagination. Kaidan pulled Shepard against him, and she placed one hand on his shoulder, her other clutching his hand. His free hand rested gently on the small of her back.

 

“Is this your kind of music?” she asked.

 

He shrugged. “More or less. I wouldn’t say I was driven by the music playing, though. Something else.”

 

“What might that be?”

 

“Maybe the beautiful woman in my arms?” he said, giving her hand a soft squeeze.

 

“You’re a charmer, Alenko. You really are. You get into all your commanding officers pants this way?”

 

He shook his head. “No ma’am. You would happen to be a first, in terms of having a crush on my CO.”

 

“Uh huh. And what makes me so special?”

 

He pulled her closer. He could feel their chests pressed to one another, and the gentle sway of her hips to the music against his. She tightened her grip around his shoulder and brushed her thumb against the back of his palm.

 

“You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met before, Shepard. You’re beautiful, but fierce. You take no prisoners and you can make hard choices. You are so sure of yourself, and it’s something I could only hope for myself. I’m equal parts attracted and awed by you. All the time.”

 

She rested her head against his chest, and it was one of the first times he noticed how tiny she was. She came just up to his chest and her frame was so small and petite. But she had never seemed that way. Shepard had always been larger than life.

 

“And maybe I just have a thing for redheads,” he said.

 

“Huh,” she whispered, her voice muffled against the fabric of his shirt. “I always had you pegged for a blonde guy.”

 

“Or,” he began, “maybe my type is just you.”

 

“At the moment, Kaidan.”

 

“Sure, but now is what matters most.”

 

She picked her head up and let her mouth open just slightly. She stood on her toes, relaying her weight onto Kaidan to hold her up. He held onto her tightly and moved his lips forward as well. He could already taste her, down to the tingle of the alcohol on her lips, and the subtle scent of cherry lip-gloss, and the vanilla scent of her hair.

Just mere inches and moments separated their lips now, and he took in one final breath before moving closer to seal the gaps. But then a loud crash erupted on the other side of the room.

 

Shepard shot around and looked at Ashley on the ground, holding up a hand to say she was good. She groaned and cursed loudly as Joker tried to help her up, but she waved him off.

 

“She was trying to get a better view and fell over,” Joker clarified.

 

Shepard stepped away and blushed. “We should… uh… we should probably go help Williams off the floor. Don’t you think?”

 

_No, I don’t. I think you should come back over here and kiss me._

 

However, apparently that wasn’t the smartest move or comment to make to your CO, so Kaidan refrained, and followed Shepard to the other side of the bar with a sigh.


	4. Chapter 4

4\. Infatuation

“You ever feel really nervous when we go out for these missions, Ash?” he asked, pulling the final strap of his boots over as they headed down to the shuttle bay.

Ashley shook her head and slid her pistol into its holster. “Nah. My whole family is military. You grow up thinking “wow, they must be so brave for not getting shot”, like… all those bullets flying at you and not one deals a very big blow? Until you get out here, you think it’s such a dangerous job, but then you get out here and realize how few bullets actually hit you and leave a mark.”

He let the idea mull over for just a second. “Huh. I mean, I guess I get that. When I was a kid, I thought my dad was a hero for being in the Alliance, but he always assured me that he wasn’t. Just a normal person doing their duty. But it’s hard to think just that way when we’re on a mission like this. With Shepard. It feels like we’re actually going to make a difference.”

Ashley rolled her eyes. “It damn better. With all the hell the council is giving us, we better get to rub it in their faces when this is over and tell them “I told you so”, because this is ridiculous. Human, Turian, Asari, Batarian… whatever. If someone says they have plans to destroy the galaxy, you should listen the hell up no matter what.”

Kaidan shrugged. “I know. They’ve given me more reasons to scratch my head than to back them. But maybe if we figure out what happened to the Salarian team, they’ll see we’re actually capable and will stop acting like humans are useless.”

“The way I look at it, what they see as weaknesses, I see as our biggest strengths. Our tendency to never give up, to try when all attempts might feel futile…”

Kaidan held up a hand. “Hey, Williams. I’m supposed to be the sappy optimist here.”

“Right, says the guy who has a crush on his commander and looks like a nervous puppy whenever she comes around.”

“I think I’m going to do something, or say something. Maybe once this mission is over. I just… I’m tired of holding it in.”

“What are you going to do? Ask her to prom?”

Kaidan groaned. “No. I’m… I don’t know. Just something.”

“Aright, alright. I don’t blame you. I’d want it off my chest too. She knows you like her, and she totally likes you too. Just remember… be safe, LT.”

“Ash, I’m not sleeping with her.”

“Never know. Just know that I am happy for you, and if all else goes wrong, beers will be on me.”

***

Later that night, Ash wasn’t there to buy beers. And Kaidan hadn’t said anything to Shepard. He hadn’t made any moves or tried to tell her how he really felt about her. Because nothing felt okay and right when they’d flown away, leaving Ash to die. Nothing felt right when his best friend didn’t exist anymore.

For being in the military, he’d lost so few friends and loved ones. As a kid, he’d hope whenever his dad shipped out for a tour, that he’d come back and he wouldn’t have to be a man for his mom sooner than he had to be. But this tour alone, Jenkins and now Ash? He had to wonder if it was him, if it was his shortcomings that got them killed. With Jenkins, if Kaidan had picked up on the recon drones sooner, he could have pulled him back. 

With Ash… with her it had literally been a choice. Him or her, and Shepard chose him. Hearing her say “Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site” sent violent chills through his body. He didn’t even have time to be grateful that she was saving his life. All he could think was that Ash couldn’t live if he did. And it tore him up harder than he could imagine. The pain felt so raw, and his chest felt ice cold.

He sat at the edge of Ashley’s bed, beer bottles at his feet, all empty, with a small leather bound book in his hands. He hadn’t brought himself to open it yet, to peer at the words left behind by his best friend.

The doors to the crew quarters opened and Shepard walked in. Her footsteps were heavy and she looked terrible. Kaidan still thought she was beautiful, but for the strong, brave woman he always saw in front of him, she was a far cry right now.

“Alenko.”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“We have to talk about what went on back there.”

It wasn’t something he cared to admit, but he had absolutely mouthed off at her on the way out of the debriefing. He kept it polite in the debriefing itself, and calmly expressed how upset he was, but didn’t raise his voice and he didn’t say things he would regret.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered under his tear-induced breathing. “I shouldn’t have judged your choice. That was my bad.”

“I understand that losing Williams was hard, but you can’t just go throwing words around and expecting them to not stick somewhere, Alenko.”

He stood up, slowly, leaning his weight against Ashley’s bed frame. He was a little drunk, at least a little bit, and his eyes were coated in tears, so looking at Shepard was bleak at best.

“I know. I just… you left Ashley down there, and you saved me. I should be grateful that I’m not dead, but this just feels wrong. It feels like I don’t deserve this. I just want to know why. What makes me more worthy about being alive than her?”

“Lieutenant, it is not like that. It’s not who deserves to live more. It’s who was the easiest to save at the moment, and that was you. Because if I didn’t both you and the base would have been blown up with all of us there. So yes, I saved you and Ash died because of it.”

The words burned at him and stung something deep inside his chest. He felt warm tears slide down his cheeks, and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He just wanted to fall to the floor and want to know why him. Why was he still here when Ash wasn’t? And how was he supposed to carry on with anything when there wasn’t any Ashley anymore? She’d been his rock, what made him feel normal and acceptable.

“Alenko, pull yourself together,” Shepard hissed.

But he couldn’t. He wiped the few tears that fell down his cheeks with the back of his hand and swallowed the rest of the tears. “You should have left us both, knowing that one of us was going to have to live with the consequences.”

“I don’t like being second guessed, Kaidan. Now if it were the other way around, if I sent you to your death, would you be saying the same thing?”

He shook his head. “Never.”

“Uh huh. So this is just your cry for attention because you don’t want to live with being the one left alive? Well let me tell you something, we’ve still got a big mission ahead of us, and if dying is what you really want, you’ll have plenty of chances to throw yourself in the line of fire just to make yourself feel better. But you jeopardize my mission? Unacceptable. If you want to honor Williams, do your damn job, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Shepard crossed her arms. He sat down on the edge of Ash’s bed and bit down on his lip. He was worried he was going to bite all the way through it, but he couldn’t risk Shepard seeing him cry again. Even if it had been maybe three tears at most, she wasn’t going to see him break down like he was about to.

Shepard turned and started to leave the crew quarters, but paused a moment and clenched her fists. “I… I know she was your friend. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to save her.”

He felt himself collapse into a single sob, and struggle to keep the rest back. And before he could break down anymore, Shepard was between his legs, her arms wrapped around his torso, head buried in his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, squeezing him tighter. “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

Kaidan slowly put his arms around her, wanting only to feel her against him and know that they still had each other. His warm tears dripped against the top of her head, and she just whispered “it’s okay” over and over again. 

“Kaidan,” she whispered, picking his head up. Her green eyes met his amber ones. “I need you. I know you’re hurting, but I need you. I need you to be strong, and we’re going to get back at them for this. And I want you by my side for all of it, Kaidan. I want you here.”

“Then I’ll be here, no matter what, Shepard. You have me.”

She looked down at his hands, where the leather bound book stayed between his fingers. She skimmed her fingers over the cover, reading the title.

“Tennyson. Ash liked that.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s hers. I don’t know… she… she always found some comfort in it, and I figured I needed it now more than ever, don’t you think?”

Shepard smiled, resting a hand on top of his. She leaned closer to him and slid up onto the bed beside him. Kaidan leaned back and let her climb up next to him. Her arms slid around his body and she rested her head against his chest. Her red hair tickled up against his nose, so he shifted her closer, her lips resting just inches from the skin of his neck. 

Kaidan thumbed through the pages to get to Ulysses, the poem he knew Ashley loved, and would recite to herself whenever days were bad. Several lines were underlined, but Kaidan started right at the top. Shepard brushed her hands over his chest, breathing him in and letting her lips press gentle kisses to the side of his neck. He wrapped an arm around her and secured her against his chest.

She glanced up at him, bringing a hand to the side of his face. They stayed there for a moment or so, knowing they could do it right now. They could kiss and stop hiding everything. They could come clean and admit how they felt for one another, but they could also have this.

A singular moment of peace before everything erupted in their face and the mission grew more complicated. They could have this moment that was all theirs, just them.

“Ashley would have wanted you to be happy,” she said.

He nodded. “I know. And I’m not right now. This hurts really badly right now, but I’m going to be okay.”

She smiled, brushing her hand against his cheekbones. “I know you are. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met.”

“And I’ve never, ever met a woman like you before, Shepard.”

“I get that a lot,” she joked.

He leaned forward and placed a kiss against her forehead, focusing back on the page in front of them. “It little profits that an idle king, by this still hearth, among these barren crags…”


	5. Chapter 5

5\. Love

Back on the Normandy, Shepard shoved through the airlock. And for the first time since their mission began, the ship felt like a prison. Sure, they could go on and off and hang out at the Citadel, but it was no good when Saren was en route to Ilos as they spoke, and that they would never be able to avenge Ash’s death.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said, quietly, unhooking his belt from his armor.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Lieutenant,” she snapped, turning back to him.

She paused in front of the airlock doors, turning around and rubbing her eyes with the ends of her palms. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I… I need some time to think.”

Shepard stormed off in the direction of her cabin, and he didn’t see her again for several hours. For those several hours, they all sat cooped up somewhere on the ship. Kaidan stayed in the crew quarters, flipping his way through Ashley’s poetry book, while Liara went to go read or study something she’d found that day. Tali spent at least an hour tossing nuts and bolts at a wall in engineering, mumbling “bosh’tet” under her breath. Garrus and Wrex were definitely wrestling. Occasionally, the ground would jolt from them knocking something over one deck below.

Kaidan heard movement in the mess hall, and peeked out the door. He saw Shepard angrily throwing things into her locker, and then sat down in front of it, her head in her hands. He was terrible with words, and he knew it might hurt more than it helped, but watching Shepard beat herself up over something she just couldn’t control wasn’t helping either.

He made his way outside to the mess hall and stood close to her, giving her space, but offering some support. They had shared a bed the other night after all. She wasn’t shy about curling up with him and resting her head against his chest, wrapping her arms around his torso and falling asleep there.

“Commander, are you alright?” he asked.

She met his eyes and sighed. 

“I’m sure there’s a way to appeal. We’re under Alliance authority after all, not the council.”

“Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that.”

“Closed? And we’re supposed to accept that?” he said. “So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through. If we have to sit it out, might as well get a good seat.”  
“We’re out of the game for now. I need you to be there while I figure things out,” she said, rubbing the sides of her head. 

He sensed that his joke was taken less than well. “You know you can count on me, or any of the other crew, Commander.”

Shepard shut her eyes and shook her head. “Come on, Kaidan, I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

“Yeah, I always leave a way out, you know that. I’m here for you, but we’re in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things. It’s all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?”

Shepard smirked. “You can’t just pull out a good old fashioned ‘it will be alright’, can you?”

He leaned against the nearest wall and faintly smiled. “It’s that easy, huh? Okay then. Everything will be fine, Shepard. You’ll figure it out.”

“That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” she teased, fidgeting like she wanted to get off the ground. 

“I could get used to it. I guess we have some down time to figure out what we are, huh?”

Kaidan reached a hand down to Shepard, her small fingers curling around his wrist, and he pulled her to her feet. She stumbled, and he knew it was because she hadn’t eaten all day, and it showed on her face that she was weak and defeated. He slid his arms around her waist and held her up right, and without any prompting, her arms moved around his shoulders. 

He could do it now, he could kiss her and finally stop wondering what it would be like. They’d almost kissed before, but they’d been cut off. But now, it was just them. And her lips were already halfway to hers, her grip on the hems of his shirt tightening. He slid his hands lower, below her waist to pull her in more. At this point, he could nearly taste her, and he remembered being this close to her at the bar, where they’d snuck off into their own corner but were rudely interrupted. This time would be different.

His hand slipped to the back of her head and he parted his lips. She took in a deep breath and shut her eyes. And then the crackle of the intercom came through. 

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander. We’ve got a message from Captain Anderson.”

***

Hours later, and after hijacking a prototype ship and setting a course for a planet deep within the Terminus systems, Kaidan found himself in the captain’s cabin. He’d gone up there to check on Shepard, and found her slouched over her desk. And somehow, by a strange turn of events, she asked him to sleep there tonight, among other things.

She stood on her toes, pressing her lips to his, soft and gentle, but he quickly scooped her into his arms. Shepard grabbed at his gelled hair, biting down on his bottom lip. He could feel her heart racing against his own, and he knew that this was exactly what he’d been waiting months for. It was everything he hoped it was going to be and just so much more. 

He slid his hands even lower, to her thighs, carrying her over to the bed, one hand behind her head to make sure she was resting comfortably. Shepard grabbed the collar of his shirt, and yanked it over his head. She paused a moment, and then ran her hands down his chest, feeling the ridges and muscles in his body, and then pulled him closer with the waistband of his uniform.

“Shepard, I…” he started.

“What?”

“Is this a good idea?” he stuttered.

She brought one hand up to his cheek. “Do you want this?”

He nodded without missing a beat. “Of course I do.”

“And so do I. Right now, you and I are just people. Just you and me. Not Commander and Lieutenant. You and me.”

“Okay,” he whispered, pulling her against him again. He slid her shirt off and threw it to the side, gazing over her body. Her skin was smooth and slightly freckled. He only discovered more as he tried to kiss over every single one down her stomach. He undid her belt and slid her pants down her legs.

Shepard tilted his head up and invited him to her lips again, and as he kissed her, she unbuttoned his pants and stripped them down his legs as well. He wanted to pause a moment to tell her that he was so in love with her and that he always would be, but he could sense that the Commander was not that patient, and not quite up for sappy exchanges, unfortunately.

“You’re so beautiful,” he muttered under his breath.

She laughed softly and pressed a kiss against his temple, something so sweet and that spoke more words than he thought a simple kiss could.

“You’re not half bad yourself,” she replied, trailing her lips down the side of his face. First against his cheek, and then his jawline, a single misplaced one against the corner of his mouth, and then slowly against his neck. He moved his fingers to the straps of her sports bra, pushing them down her shoulders. She sighed his name against the loose curls of his hair and continued to kiss whatever spots of skin she could.

Shepard grabbed the waistband of his boxers and helped him climb out of them, and then quickly flipped him over. She tugged the rest of her bra off and slid her underwear down her legs, and slowly eased her way back on top of him. Once she reached his lips, he turned her over, and slid one knee between her legs before moving closer.

They kissed again, her lips dancing all over his bare skin, wherever she would. And seconds later, he felt her nails dig into his shoulders and her only pull him closer to her. He’d waited so long to have her all to himself, to show her that he loved her and that he felt something so deep and impossible for her, and the moment was now. Now, as their hearts raced against one another’s skin, and as her kisses grew more uncoordinated, and occasionally she’d moan his name, her fingers gripping his hair tighter.

“Kaidan, in bed, do biotics…?”

He smiled. “Yeah, they do.”

“Excellent,” she said, giggling into his ear. Hearing her laugh was just so cute sometimes that he felt like he needed to drop everything he was doing to squish a pillow against his face and scream into it for a while.

He took in what he could about their night together, hoping that it wouldn’t be the only one. If every night for the rest of his life were like this, he’d die a happy man, even if it happened tomorrow. He loved touching her hair and wrapping his fingers around the red waves, and how she cooed his name when he kissed her neck and fidgeted wildly when he pressed his lips to the side of her neck. He would never tire of how soft her skin was and how incredible it felt to have her pressed up against him so tightly. He would absolutely never forget what it was like for her to look at him, and feel something so warm and comfortable.

He knew then that he would never, ever love someone as much as he loved her. But he couldn’t tell her that now. Some things would just have to wait.

After, he propped himself up on one shoulder, and rested a hand across her stomach, tracing letters spelling the words he so badly wanted to say across her skin. He didn’t think she noticed the soft “I love yous” he painted onto her body. Shepard turned over, taking him in her arms, kissing the smallest hairs against his chest. He held her even closer, and felt a surge of protectiveness over her, praying to whatever higher power that nothing would ever take her from him.

“Shepard?” he whispered.

She nodded. “Yeah?”

“I… I don’t know what to say,” he said. “I just… so far I think this has been the best suicide mission I’ve ever been on.”

She smiled. “Yeah, Kaidan, me too.”

He kissed the side of her forehead and smiled. “Get some rest, Shepard.”

She nodded. “And you too.”

And in a moment, she was a far cry from the woman who scared him shitless the first time they met, and she was just a gentle hum of a person, curled up in the blankets and sleeping so soundly. But yet, there was still a part of him that was so enamored, so terrified, and so unable to fathom that one person could be so many beautiful and incredible things.

And he loved her for every single one of them.


End file.
